Fear

We all have fears. We talk about them, avoid them and detour our lives around them. Fears cause anxiety. Anxiety creates stress in our lives and our relationships.

Financial difficulty is a common fear. My financial fears did not start until Jeff landed the perfect sales job with a very advantageous commission structure. Having an abundance of money made me think that I couldn't live without it. We placed so much value on our cars, clothing, belongings and status that I feared losing it all.

Jeff lost his job and a new job did not materialize. Most of you know that we lived off our savings and retirement accounts until they were empty. Most of you know that we went into debt flipping a house.

What I haven’t talked about is welfare. WIC gave my babies free formula, juice and cereal. I used food stamps to feed my family. Washington state provided free health insurance for my children. The birth of my second child did not cost me a dime; the US taxpayers footed the bill. We took advantage of these programs from August 2004 until March 2007.

Why do I tell you all this? Maybe it is to change people’s perception of welfare recipients. Maybe it is to change your perception of me.

Fear inhibits honesty. I was afraid of what you might think of me so I painted a picture of myself and hoped you would not notice that I was telling an incomplete story. I showed you our BMW’s; I talked about our big house; I flaunted my nice things to distract you from some experiences that shaped me. I was ashamed of those experiences, but I am not ashamed of who I am.

I am compassionate, empathetic and nonjudgmental. Life has beaten me up, spit me out and taught me that I could have been a homeless person, an unwed mother, or an insufferable snob. I was fat, skinny, rich, poor, employed, fired and in therapy. I am a Christian who lived in sin. I am a shy extrovert. I am a contradiction.

I still fear what you will think of me after reading this, but take comfort in knowing that your picture of me is complete.

Wordless Wednesday

The House we flipped last year

Outside got all new siding and windows.

Ripped out the carpet and refinished the original hardwood floors.

Notice the new tile floors in the kitchen.
Jeff and I tag teamed that project. He worked on it all day until 2 am. When he came home to sleep, I went to the other house and worked on the floors from 3 am until noon. Jeff then brought the kids to the house with him and we worked on the floors together. I am very proud of that accomplishment.

To see more Wordless Wednesdays go here.

I know, I know, "Wordless". Sorry, this is as wordless as I get. Just call me gabby.

What A Difference A Year Makes

Its time for me to come up with a Christmas letter to enclose with this years' Christmas Cards. I took a look at my 2006 letter to give myself some ideas. I thought I would share it with you.

We are excited to wish you a Merry Christmas. We have been very busy; let us tell you about it.

Belle will be 3 years old at the end of January. She loves creating “gates” made from a jump rope, aprons, strings of beads and anything else that ties. We find the “gates” at the bottom of the stairs, between doorknobs, chairs, and kitchen cabinets. Who knew that a she would be able to tie such elaborate knots at her age!

Ariel is now 1 ½ years. She is growing and changing so much. Recently she was “helping” Amy in the laundry room by removing clean clothes from the dryer. She grabbed a pair of her sister’s underwear and said “panties.” This was surprising. We had never introduced that word to her. Now we wonder what other words she has picked up and is waiting for just the right moment to share.

Jeff has taken on a new job. This summer, we decided to buy an investment house, to renovate and resale. We invited Jeff’s brother, Jon, up from California to work on the project. They have been working day and night 6 days a week on the house and it is nearly complete. It has been amazing to see all the ways that God provides for our needs.

Amy has been taking care of the girls and trying to keep the house in a reasonable state of disarray. On Jeff’s day off from the renovation, she goes to her job and takes care of all their office needs. When she gets home that night, she is excited to see her girls, and eager to spend another week with them.

Thank you for allowing us to share our lives with you. We hope your Christmas overflows with all the blessings that God has for you.

Now I have to get to work on my 2007 letter!

Thankfulness Part 2

Our Home

In my last post I told you that things got a lot worse before they got better. I don't want to write about how they got worse, after all it is Thanksgiving week. Instead I want to express my gratitude for retaining the one thing I was sure I would lose, my home. This year we had two houses up for sale. The house we flipped and our home. We never wanted to sell our home. The couple of months that it was on the market went something like this:

We put a for sale sign in front of our house and said, "Okay God, our house is for sale, but we aren't going to advertise it. If you really want us to sell it you will bring someone down our street."

A couple of weeks later we hired an agent and listed the house. "Fine God, we'll advertise, but we are not going to sell it for a penny under our inflated asking price."

A month later we lowered our asking price. "Please God, just get us out of the mess. I don't care what it takes. No material possession is worth this amount of stress and heartache." A couple of weeks later someone finally made an offer on the house we flipped. In July we sold the renovated house and took our house off the market.

I am so grateful that we were able to keep our house. Our neighbors mean so much to us. To leave this neighborhood would have been heartbreaking. Our kids have friends on this street. The stay at home moms on the street embrace and support my husband in his role as a stay at home dad. I am thankful everyday that I get to drive down this street and call it my home.

Thankfulness Part 1

A look at last year - My Marriage

January 2007 – It is Monday, Jeff is taking the day off from flipping the house so I can go to work. I am taking a shower and trying to focus on what I need to do today. My mind keeps drifting to the argument I had with Jeff last night. The financial and emotional strain of flipping a house is pushing us apart. I told him that we are going to run out of money unless we sell the house by March. He told me that there is still so much work to be done. Why can't he get this house done?

My life is out of my control. Flipping this house is Jeff's project. He makes all the decisions while I stand by and pray for results. I don't like not being in control, especially when things are going badly. I am so mad. Mad that Jeff is working six days a week on the house and not getting anywhere. Mad that he is spending all our money. Mad at him for not being able to find a job for 3 years. Mad at him for getting fired from a very good job in the first place. Every decision that Jeff has ever made is now under my scrutiny.

And then a little voice in my head says, “Why are you blaming Jeff for everything that has gone wrong, while you praise God for everything that has gone right?” It’s a good question. I gave God all the credit for the job Jeff had in Sacramento. I attributed all our sound financial decisions to God. I thanked God for providing for our needs, regardless of where the provisions came from. Why does God get all the credit and Jeff get all the blame? Why do I assume that Jeff has a handle on the events that are out of my control? Isn't his life being turned upside down just like mine?

My bible study leader recently said, “It’s okay to be mad at God, he can take it.” So I shifted my anger. I got mad at God for this mess we were in. I ranted at God for all the things that had gone wrong. I got pissed at God that Jeff lost his job. I was furious for the lost of our financial security and for the delays on the house we were flipping. I screamed at God for putting all this pressure on my marriage. I vowed to never forgive Him if my marriage fell apart.

Two noteworthy things happened when I got mad at God. First, I didn’t get struck by lightning. Second, I wasn’t mad at my husband anymore. Instead I became sympathetic to Jeff and the challenges he was facing.

My reflection:

In 2007, Jeff and I celebrated ten happy years of marriage. My realization in the shower that morning was a significant event for me. In the months that followed our situation got much worse before it got better. We were able to face these events as a team, supportive of one another. I am thankful for that.

What have you learned that has significantly affected the way your relate to your loved ones?