Monday, November 19, 2007

Thankfulness Part 1

A look at last year - My Marriage

January 2007 – It is Monday, Jeff is taking the day off from flipping the house so I can go to work. I am taking a shower and trying to focus on what I need to do today. My mind keeps drifting to the argument I had with Jeff last night. The financial and emotional strain of flipping a house is pushing us apart. I told him that we are going to run out of money unless we sell the house by March. He told me that there is still so much work to be done. Why can't he get this house done?

My life is out of my control. Flipping this house is Jeff's project. He makes all the decisions while I stand by and pray for results. I don't like not being in control, especially when things are going badly. I am so mad. Mad that Jeff is working six days a week on the house and not getting anywhere. Mad that he is spending all our money. Mad at him for not being able to find a job for 3 years. Mad at him for getting fired from a very good job in the first place. Every decision that Jeff has ever made is now under my scrutiny.

And then a little voice in my head says, “Why are you blaming Jeff for everything that has gone wrong, while you praise God for everything that has gone right?” It’s a good question. I gave God all the credit for the job Jeff had in Sacramento. I attributed all our sound financial decisions to God. I thanked God for providing for our needs, regardless of where the provisions came from. Why does God get all the credit and Jeff get all the blame? Why do I assume that Jeff has a handle on the events that are out of my control? Isn't his life being turned upside down just like mine?

My bible study leader recently said, “It’s okay to be mad at God, he can take it.” So I shifted my anger. I got mad at God for this mess we were in. I ranted at God for all the things that had gone wrong. I got pissed at God that Jeff lost his job. I was furious for the lost of our financial security and for the delays on the house we were flipping. I screamed at God for putting all this pressure on my marriage. I vowed to never forgive Him if my marriage fell apart.

Two noteworthy things happened when I got mad at God. First, I didn’t get struck by lightning. Second, I wasn’t mad at my husband anymore. Instead I became sympathetic to Jeff and the challenges he was facing.

My reflection:

In 2007, Jeff and I celebrated ten happy years of marriage. My realization in the shower that morning was a significant event for me. In the months that followed our situation got much worse before it got better. We were able to face these events as a team, supportive of one another. I am thankful for that.

What have you learned that has significantly affected the way your relate to your loved ones?


Rachel said...

I loved reading this.
Isn't Faith amazing. Isn't God amazing!
What a wonderful and insightful read. Thank you for sharing!
LOL at poor you being traumatized by your brother. I'm so sorry. We've been through 4 or 5 pop up books but she's finally old enough to handle this with care. :-)

Lisa said...

They say God doesn't give us what we can't handle. Sometimes you have to wonder how you get through certain things. But we do. And we learn and we do get stronger.

Chris said...

Ah, Thanksgiving. Food, family, and football. What else do we need? Hey, I just noticed the music groups in your profile. Very nice. My favorites too.