This has been a month of anniversaries. I happily celebrated my 100th post and 11 years of marriage. My next anniversary is bitter sweet.
On March 5, 2007 I walked into my boss’s office and asked for a full time job and a raise. I did this knowing that it would solve our financial difficulty. I also knew that I would be turning over the full-time care of my children to my husband’s capable hands and my time with them would decrease dramatically. It was not an easy decision for Jeff and I to make, but left with no options we did what we needed to do.
For the last year I have spoke about being a SAHM because it wasn’t so long ago that I was one. Stories that start with, “Last year when I was home with the kids…” are a comforting to me. They remind me that it wasn’t so long ago when I was privileged enough to be at home with my kids. That comfort is slipping away.
Last year I grabbed my lunch and said goodbye to an empty house at 6:30 in the morning. I spent my day with adults earning a paycheck and returned to squeals of joy at 5:30. I continued my working routine losing a small piece of my mom identity each day. Soon I was no longer the authority on what my children preferred. Now I have to ask Jeff questions before I can give our babysitter instructions for our date night.
Have they had a bath today?
Did they take their vitamins?
What time should they go to bed?
The interaction I have with my kids has shortened from an indeterminately long day to 2 ½ hours. At dinner time I grill them with questions so I can feel connected to them.
What did you do today?
Who did you play with?
Did you have fun?
I am lucky. I enjoy my job. I like the people that I work with. I spend my days focused on a job I enjoy instead of a family I miss. I get three weeks of vacation each year. My kids are home with my husband. In so many ways I am lucky.
Why on the anniversary of full time employment I am focused on what I loss over the last year instead of what we’ve gained? I know that being a SAHM is unbelievably difficult and draining. I also know how rewarding it is. Going to work every day is easy compared to what my husband does. Sometimes my children greet me with smiles while they run away from the man who pours his heart out for them. Other times they barely notice that I am home.
I wish that I can change it all and live in the utopia of family togetherness. We all know that won’t happen, so I am resolved to be content with this situation; confident that God knows what is best for our family.